Old habits die hard, whether habits of body or mind. I don’t understand the science of change, the time and repetitions required to reroute mental wiring and develop muscle memory, but I know that my own changes need several days, if not weeks, of repetition to become habits, and “second-nature.”
My first thoughts this morning were about how much by body hurt, how swollen my abdomen feels, how unrested I feel, and then immediately started to question my decision to journal publicly. The acts of reflection, writing, and publishing felt burdensome, like unfair expectations imposed by others, and thinking about them bled quickly into a small number of important business decisions that we need to make this week. I was defeated, mentally, before I even got a coffee down, or got a shower. That sense of defeat, that very familiar feeling of excuse-making, had me thinking about legal pads, about writing a list of things to write about, about opening a word document in case I felt inspired to draft a post later today, after I felt better physically, and had a handle (another list, or a four-box diagram?) of how to make three decisions about my team. I wanted to create the idea of movement, not take action, to think not do, and I would happily spend the day researching something, anything, instead. I heard myself thinking: “its ok to skip the blog today, really.”
And this is how enthusiasm dies, how I kill hobbies before they start, why I never hire teachers or ask friends for specific kinds of help. I get-by on false narratives of intent, telling myself that I will do IT later today, or tomorrow, or after better research, but I rarely commit both my mind and my body, simultaneously, and with equal intensity.
I’ve been told many times to “just do the next right thing,” to take the next clear step. Today, that first step was prayer, then giving myself latitude to scribble a few sentences in my right-hand notebook, about this struggle this morning. Then I attended an online 12-Step meeting, and in our conversation about the gifts of recovery, and faith, I was reminded that I have a design for living that works, if I work it. My next steps, the right steps, seem simple now: draft and post a journal entry, regardless of its creativity, quality, or impact. As I write, though, I can feel my mind stretching, and imagine hearing the same pops, cracks, and squeeks that I hear while practicing yoga. As my mind loosens, expands, this very act of thinking out-loud, of imaging this conversation with you, helps me process other things, like “why do I feel so bad this morning? Why does everything hurt?” In an instant, I intuitively understand why every inch of my body feels swollen and stiff this morning – because I’ve eaten like a pig over the last few days, and have taken several “exceptions” to my diet over the last two weeks or so. Reflecting, whether with pen or keypad, I see again how often I say “it’s ok to skip today,” or “just this one time,” or “ perfectly acceptable to have a cheat meal once in awhile.”
But, for me, these decisions always snowball, and one cheat meal on Wednesday night somehow leads to dessert on Friday, and complete license over a “holiday weekend” to eat candy, breads, fried foods, all the things that I know, not think, cause my joints to swell, my digestion to stutter, and my weight to increase. Within 3-5 days, my pants feel snug, my legs hurt in the morning, and I feel constant fatigue. But I never think about these consequences while I’m filling a bowl with blueberry pie and chocolate chip ice cream, because “it’s a holiday weekend.” Or, “I deserve a break from all these rules.”
Today, I will not take a break from the rules that save my life, and that might allow me to actually become the man I’ve always pretended to be. Without exception, I am going to make and meet commitments today. I forgive myself for making so many poor food decisions, for choosing to spend most of yesterday on the couch, reading, and procrastinating over important business decisions, but I am holding myself accountable for better decisions, and more action, today. I am performing at a high level for my employer, am working on a longer piece about my faith struggles, and am thinking about ee cummings, for some reason. I am going to eat fewer, lower carbohydrate, calories, and avoid processed sugar, today.
My focus is service, is concern and compassion, is better living through better choices, which creates better thinking. Which leads to better choices, which enable better living.
Today I Ask: What Do I Need, and What Do You Need, to Feel Better?
